Self-Compassion Is Not Letting Yourself Off the Hook
For many people, the harshest voice they hear in January is their own.
It shows up after a missed intention or a familiar habit returning. It sounds practical, even sensible. You should be doing better than this. If you were harder on yourself, you might actually change.
The idea of self compassion can feel deeply uncomfortable in this context. There is often a fear underneath it. If I am kinder to myself, will I just give up? Will I lower my standards? Will everything slide?
From a psychological perspective, this fear makes sense. Many of us were taught that criticism is motivating. That being hard on yourself is how improvement happens. Unfortunately, the evidence does not support this.
Research into self compassion shows that people who respond to setbacks with understanding rather than criticism are more resilient and more likely to re engage with change. Harsh self talk increases shame, avoidance and withdrawal. Compassion keeps people in the game.
This is not about indulgence. It is about effectiveness.
Self compassion does not say, It does not matter. It says, This is hard and I still care about what matters. That distinction is crucial.
In ACT, compassion is what allows people to notice when they have drifted without collapsing into self attack. It creates enough safety to turn back towards values rather than running away from them.
January is a prime time for shame. The gap between intention and reality feels stark. The cultural noise about improvement is loud. When self compassion is missing, people tend to respond in one of two ways. They push themselves harder until they burn out, or they quietly disengage.
Compassion offers a third option. Pause. Acknowledge difficulty. Choose the next small step that aligns with what matters.
This is where pacing comes back in. Self compassion respects limits. It understands that sustainable change happens over time. It replaces urgency with steadiness.
Being compassionate with yourself is not letting yourself off the hook. It is choosing a hook that actually holds.
About the Author
Dr. Richard Pomfret
Dr. Richard Pomfret is a HCPC-registered Counselling Psychologist and founder of Therapy On The Hill. He works with adults experiencing a range of emotional and psychological difficulties, offering evidence-based therapy in a compassionate and collaborative way.
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If you’d like to learn more about therapy or enquire about working together, you can contact Richard at:
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The content of this blog is for information and reflection only and is not a substitute for professional psychological assessment or therapy.
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